I'm being swallowed by a black hole. I think the black hole is currently residing on my couch, but it's hard to say. No, not the inexplicably large pile of unfolded laundry, but thanks for reminding me of yet another domestic failure. The depression sort of black hole. The sneaky quicksand that steals my energy, wrecks my perspective and leaves me thinking "The kids can eat goldfish, fruit snacks & string cheese for dinner. Again." It took me over an hour to get my butt off the couch to write this post, which I can all but guarantee will be sh*tty, unfunny & rambling, but at least I am doing something. I'll pause while you muster up some weak applause.
Sigh. The most obnoxious part of this depression, if there is such a thing, is that I saw this storm cloud coming from a country mile away. I even had the hubris to think that I would be fine & could sail right through it after a day or two. I guess that joke's on me. Ya know, if self-deprecating & pathetic jokes are your thing.
I'm soldiering on, trying to answer work calls without bursting into tears and playing, what I'm fairly certain is, the slowest game of keep away ever. I smile at my kids (even when I'm crying), try not to snot all over TheYankees' shoulder and fake normal text conversations with my judgy friends. Then, when I've used every last ounce of energy doing a horrendous job pretending to be fine, I pick up my phone, open twitter and tell the truth.
That being a good mom right now is the hardest thing. That just getting myself through the evening is brutal, much less attending to the never-ending needs of two kids who deserve better than a snack food dinner served by a sobbing mom. But that is the best I can do.
So, I promise myself that when I finally kick this sh*tty black hole out of my head and my house, that I'll enjoy every minute until bedtime and maybe even a few extra, just to see their smiles. That I will cook awesome meals and clean up all the messes. That I'll use my days off for more than skipped showers and zoning out. That I'll climb into bed to do more than give in to exhaustion. That I'll be me again.
But right now, I've got tears that are desperate to escape and no energy left to fight 'em.
All I can say is that I know exactly where you are. And I know that you know in your head that this is going to end because it always does because it's just a crappy cycle, but it sure doesn't feel like it right now, right? So I'm just going to remind you -- it's going to end. You'll be you again. This is just a small moment in a big life. Holding your hand from out here. xo
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a big hug right now because I totally would. I can relate...it's so hard those days and I do remember one week where I fed my toddler blueberries and chicken nuggets for three days straight. Anything else was too much. Hugs to you!!! Email me if you need to.
ReplyDeleteWow, I can so relate. Hey, you are making certain that the kiddos are feed and giving them all that you can at this time . . . I think you are pretty spectacular for that. This will pass and you will be you again . . . until then ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteyou are human. you are awesome. I've suffered and survived PPD with medication. I think I am depressed sometimes still too. Their are times where I sit in the bath room in the dark crying. Then back to being mommy and wife. I totally feel you. Clean clothes does not define you. No matter what...you are awesome!
ReplyDeleteawww sweets. sorry I'm so late to this post. please remember, you can send honest texts to me - I'm not judgy at all. I love you when you're happy, and when you're sad. sending you virtual hugs, and wine, and hopefully a little sunshine. XOXO
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