The mom list, take 2.

Consider this chapter 2 of "NuttyMom's less than comprehensive guide to MommyFriends". (I'm really going to have to work on better titles if I want to land that book deal.) For chapter one, please refer to It's funny, because it's true. Done already? Sure, just like my 3 year old brushes his teeth in 12.6 seconds. Either way, let's make hilarious generalizations profile some more of the minivan mafia, shall we?

6. SunshineMom: Let me say that until about a year ago, I thought SunshineMom was the parenting equivalent of a unicorn. A lot of hype and a story from your neighbor's sister's best friend, but as it turns out, I was mistaken! So, what is a SunshineMom? She is a mom that doesn't get frustrated or impatient. She doesn't gossip (putting a big kink in my "all mom's judge" theory) and isn't frazzled by whiny kids. She can handle newborns twins, a trying three year old & a traveling husband without so much as a "Can I just go pee by myself?!" freak out. She lives the adage "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". And frankly, she makes the rest of us look bad, but you can't be mad at someone so sweet. Trust me, I've tried.


7. AlternativeMom: If you don't have an AlternativeMom in your friend circle, you have my pity. They are entertaining, unpretentious and, as a group, some of the least judgmental mommas I've met. Some AltMoms are easy to spot with brightly colored hair and visible tattoos and some aren't. These moms march to their own maraca, are generally alright with adult language and have stories that bring me right on the edge of needing a Depends. I highly suggest you break your idea of what a mom friend should be & meet a few AltMoms. I'll admit they make me feel a bit boring in my Loft cargo pants and uncolored hair, but that's just my complex. Plus, everybody needs a friend they can drop an F bomb around. Everybody.


8. BitterMom: Have you ever come across a mom that seemed impossibly negative? Not just having-a-rough-day negative. These Moms will share a seemingly endless stream of vitriol about any topic including their husbands faults, their children's annoying habits and their third grade dance teacher. I once knew a BitterMom (also as InappropriateMom) who described her 5 year old as a "little b*tch" and made jokes about her ending up a stripper. I needed two weeks of antidepressants and a nap after such close proximity to evil. Fortunately, most BitterMoms announce themselves through a combination of bad hair & a permanent B*tchFace, so you should be safe. Be extra careful to avoid BitterMomGoingThroughADivorce unless you want a reason to root for the husband who ran off with the 22 year old.

9. DitzMom: Remember when you had a mom approach you and ask to borrow wipes, a (specific size) diaper AND a snack all in the same outing? She belongs in this category. These ladies take "mommy brain" to a whole new level. I mean, I'll forget my keys or sunglasses occasionally (OK, once a week, whatever!) but I've never started backing out my driveway only to realize I forgot my child inside! DitzMoms are good people & I greatly appreciate that their frazzled appearance makes me look pulled together in comparison, but I would not suggest asking her to babysit or take care of any important tasks for your next event. On second thought, maybe I should start acting more like a DitzMom.

10. DramaMom: These ladies took the phrase "Save the drama for your momma!" as a personal challenge. They love to loudly say "I hate drama! Why do mommy friendships have to be so complicated?" but are the first to get involved or give you the line by line recap of what went down. By all accounts, they keep a written log of whispered insults to stir up histrionics when things get to quiet around the parks or forums. In their defense, their memory and understanding of complicated emotional combat fully qualifies them for a history channel expert position. I keep my DramaMom friend around to keep me entertained during work outs, but constantly remind myself that everything I say is being screened for her "drama log". Chances are if your friend group doesn't have a DramaMom, you're it, so *cheers* for keeping us entertained!

It's funny, because it's true.

I know the hassles and potential land mines of trying to make friends as a Mom and hopefully you do too. Just in case you don't, here is an [incomplete] study guide of some of the wild and beautiful MommyCreatures you might encounter on the playground. Approach with caution.


1. ZealotMom: You remember when you were just barely pregnant enough to justify maternity jeans or had just had a little too much fun at The Golden Corral only to be accosted by a stranger who had all sorts of unsolicited advice about how you just HAD to breastfeed/get an epidural/buy a specific piece of baby gear/drink castor oil to go into labor/pray to the patron saint of babies not being born with gigantic ears/etc? Yep, that was your very first encounter with ZealotMom and sadly, would not be your last. ZealotMoms mean well, but they, like that poor dorky girl in high school, just do not know when to stop speaking. You have a few possible approaches here, tell ZealotMom you agree completely and hope she leaves (rarely works), feign labor pains and waddle to the closest exit or, my personal fave, tell ZealotMom that you will consider her advice, but could she please come to the overpass you call home to discuss it in more detail. Yep, that should do it.


2. SuperiorMom: One of my all-time least favorite personalities to be forced into social situations with. I am acquainted with a b*tch that the Yankee makes me be nice to mom who takes the whole self righteous cake on this one. She is the mom of twins and insists on calling herself a MoM (Mom of multiples) every single frick time she writes mom, which is a LOT. I have, as of yet, held off on telling her what I think of her & her overachieving ovaries, but hearing her say "I laugh at your one baby" nearly landed me in jail for aggravated battery. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that this was a competition, but now that I know, I guess that OctoMom & DuggarMom are in the lead. Which begs the question, do you REALLY want to win a competition where those two are the front runners? Knock yourself out, I'll be on the couch laughing it up with my singletons.


3. NeedyMom: One supportive comment on her pity party post and she pulls you into her web. NeedyMoms always have an issue, question or dire need for your help, usually with no concept of time, normalcy or social boundaries. You will be fielding texts, calls, facebook messages & emails as if they are flying out of a baseball pitching machine. Ignore even one of those and you will be gifted with the full-fledged "why don't you want to be my friend anymore" hysterical voicemail. A good warning sign of a NeedyMom is someone willing to over-share to complete strangers, and not in an anonymous, you'll never know my real name way. Befriend NeedyMoms if you feel too cruel to just back away slowly, but whatever you do, keep all play dates at a neutral location. You can thank me later.


4. KnowItAllMom: Similar to SuperiorMom, but with less judgement and more quoting obscure medical journals. This mom has read a case study in every childhood disease, disorder & syndrome and probably has a friend whose second cousin's step-brother who has it. KnowItAllMom will undoubtedly have a statistic to show you just how likely your child is to attend an ivy league university, based on their skill at crossing the monkey bars at age 4years2months1day and 12.6hours old. KnowItAllMoms are great to bring along to trivia nights, but will make you feel about the size of a nano-particle for having the latest copy of US Weekly on your "Best Reads" list. I recommend short, occasional play dates with KnowItAllMom's kids, if only because she will give you a scientific backboard on which to justify all of the parenting tricks that you feel a little guilty about.


5. OverachieverMom: Without these ladies, Etsy wouldn't exist and I would be very sad. They can whip up a gourmet meal, that is appealing to the pickiest 3 year old and wrap it up in adorable, hand-decorated boxes. They send homemade birthday and thank you cards in a timely manner. Their kids are always well-behaved, they never yell or sweat and you might question whether Ann Geddes herself shot her family's photos. She has Martha flippin' Stewart as a follower on her blog. If you meet an OverachieverMom & she doesn't exhibit any of the traits of SuperiorMom, grab onto her and never let her go. Don't even bother trying to compete, just bask in the glory of her perfection...and ask her to help with your kid's birthday parties.