Time to get S.H.I.T. again!

The lovely Rusti at My Life As An Officer's Wife hosts an awesome weekly meme called SoHappyItsThursday and you simply must join the fun. Here is my second S.H.I.T. list:

• Only one more day of hell work, until I get to spend some relaxing time with The Yankee & the little Yankees. (I have taken to calling them that now that they are spending all day with him. I'll blog about that later!)
• For my wonderful twitter/blog tribe that are so supportive & hilarious. Y'all are a delicious spread I like to enjoy on toast! (Otherwise knowns as The jam!)
• For the awesome #wineandwhine last night & the great advice I got from Elly at Living That Life. She is one smart cookie!
• The awesome dinner of wine and cheesecake that I enjoyed last night. It may not have been healthy, but it was what I needed & man was it delish!
• For Rusti! She started this brilliant meme which forces me to focus on the things I am thankful for, especially in the midst of a trying week!

Looking forward to checking out everyone else's S.H.I.T. lists!

Getting S.H.I.T. from Rusti.

The lovely @Rustilyn, my #wineandwhine co-founder & one of my twitter besties, has started an #awesomesauce weekly meme on her blog, My Life As A Officer's Wife. It is called "So Happy It's Thursday" or S.H.I.T. for those of us that like to abbreviate and curse. Go give her blog some love, link up & join in on this great meme!





And here is my first ever list of reasons that I am S.H.I.T:

• We are almost done with our move. (I'm ignoring the monumental task that is unpacking & setting up the house. Please, don't ruin this for me!)
• I have a legit excuse to ignore packing with another #wineandwhine tonight. Clearly, I can't let my girls down! #TheYankeeMustHateMe
• Because I can be lazy and wear jeans to work tomorrow.
• It is The Yankee's turn to wrangle the kids into bed tonight. (Insert evil laugh.)
• I'm at work, not at home getting snot wiped on me. (Summer colds can suck it, but I'm staying positive here.)
• It's payday! Woo-hoo!
• The delish lunch that I am about to devour!

And that is my first ever S.H.I.T. list. Looking forward to read everyone's list!

(Count 'em, that was three sh*t related jokes. I love this meme!)

The mom list, take 2.

Consider this chapter 2 of "NuttyMom's less than comprehensive guide to MommyFriends". (I'm really going to have to work on better titles if I want to land that book deal.) For chapter one, please refer to It's funny, because it's true. Done already? Sure, just like my 3 year old brushes his teeth in 12.6 seconds. Either way, let's make hilarious generalizations profile some more of the minivan mafia, shall we?

6. SunshineMom: Let me say that until about a year ago, I thought SunshineMom was the parenting equivalent of a unicorn. A lot of hype and a story from your neighbor's sister's best friend, but as it turns out, I was mistaken! So, what is a SunshineMom? She is a mom that doesn't get frustrated or impatient. She doesn't gossip (putting a big kink in my "all mom's judge" theory) and isn't frazzled by whiny kids. She can handle newborns twins, a trying three year old & a traveling husband without so much as a "Can I just go pee by myself?!" freak out. She lives the adage "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". And frankly, she makes the rest of us look bad, but you can't be mad at someone so sweet. Trust me, I've tried.


7. AlternativeMom: If you don't have an AlternativeMom in your friend circle, you have my pity. They are entertaining, unpretentious and, as a group, some of the least judgmental mommas I've met. Some AltMoms are easy to spot with brightly colored hair and visible tattoos and some aren't. These moms march to their own maraca, are generally alright with adult language and have stories that bring me right on the edge of needing a Depends. I highly suggest you break your idea of what a mom friend should be & meet a few AltMoms. I'll admit they make me feel a bit boring in my Loft cargo pants and uncolored hair, but that's just my complex. Plus, everybody needs a friend they can drop an F bomb around. Everybody.


8. BitterMom: Have you ever come across a mom that seemed impossibly negative? Not just having-a-rough-day negative. These Moms will share a seemingly endless stream of vitriol about any topic including their husbands faults, their children's annoying habits and their third grade dance teacher. I once knew a BitterMom (also as InappropriateMom) who described her 5 year old as a "little b*tch" and made jokes about her ending up a stripper. I needed two weeks of antidepressants and a nap after such close proximity to evil. Fortunately, most BitterMoms announce themselves through a combination of bad hair & a permanent B*tchFace, so you should be safe. Be extra careful to avoid BitterMomGoingThroughADivorce unless you want a reason to root for the husband who ran off with the 22 year old.

9. DitzMom: Remember when you had a mom approach you and ask to borrow wipes, a (specific size) diaper AND a snack all in the same outing? She belongs in this category. These ladies take "mommy brain" to a whole new level. I mean, I'll forget my keys or sunglasses occasionally (OK, once a week, whatever!) but I've never started backing out my driveway only to realize I forgot my child inside! DitzMoms are good people & I greatly appreciate that their frazzled appearance makes me look pulled together in comparison, but I would not suggest asking her to babysit or take care of any important tasks for your next event. On second thought, maybe I should start acting more like a DitzMom.

10. DramaMom: These ladies took the phrase "Save the drama for your momma!" as a personal challenge. They love to loudly say "I hate drama! Why do mommy friendships have to be so complicated?" but are the first to get involved or give you the line by line recap of what went down. By all accounts, they keep a written log of whispered insults to stir up histrionics when things get to quiet around the parks or forums. In their defense, their memory and understanding of complicated emotional combat fully qualifies them for a history channel expert position. I keep my DramaMom friend around to keep me entertained during work outs, but constantly remind myself that everything I say is being screened for her "drama log". Chances are if your friend group doesn't have a DramaMom, you're it, so *cheers* for keeping us entertained!

It's funny, because it's true.

I know the hassles and potential land mines of trying to make friends as a Mom and hopefully you do too. Just in case you don't, here is an [incomplete] study guide of some of the wild and beautiful MommyCreatures you might encounter on the playground. Approach with caution.


1. ZealotMom: You remember when you were just barely pregnant enough to justify maternity jeans or had just had a little too much fun at The Golden Corral only to be accosted by a stranger who had all sorts of unsolicited advice about how you just HAD to breastfeed/get an epidural/buy a specific piece of baby gear/drink castor oil to go into labor/pray to the patron saint of babies not being born with gigantic ears/etc? Yep, that was your very first encounter with ZealotMom and sadly, would not be your last. ZealotMoms mean well, but they, like that poor dorky girl in high school, just do not know when to stop speaking. You have a few possible approaches here, tell ZealotMom you agree completely and hope she leaves (rarely works), feign labor pains and waddle to the closest exit or, my personal fave, tell ZealotMom that you will consider her advice, but could she please come to the overpass you call home to discuss it in more detail. Yep, that should do it.


2. SuperiorMom: One of my all-time least favorite personalities to be forced into social situations with. I am acquainted with a b*tch that the Yankee makes me be nice to mom who takes the whole self righteous cake on this one. She is the mom of twins and insists on calling herself a MoM (Mom of multiples) every single frick time she writes mom, which is a LOT. I have, as of yet, held off on telling her what I think of her & her overachieving ovaries, but hearing her say "I laugh at your one baby" nearly landed me in jail for aggravated battery. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that this was a competition, but now that I know, I guess that OctoMom & DuggarMom are in the lead. Which begs the question, do you REALLY want to win a competition where those two are the front runners? Knock yourself out, I'll be on the couch laughing it up with my singletons.


3. NeedyMom: One supportive comment on her pity party post and she pulls you into her web. NeedyMoms always have an issue, question or dire need for your help, usually with no concept of time, normalcy or social boundaries. You will be fielding texts, calls, facebook messages & emails as if they are flying out of a baseball pitching machine. Ignore even one of those and you will be gifted with the full-fledged "why don't you want to be my friend anymore" hysterical voicemail. A good warning sign of a NeedyMom is someone willing to over-share to complete strangers, and not in an anonymous, you'll never know my real name way. Befriend NeedyMoms if you feel too cruel to just back away slowly, but whatever you do, keep all play dates at a neutral location. You can thank me later.


4. KnowItAllMom: Similar to SuperiorMom, but with less judgement and more quoting obscure medical journals. This mom has read a case study in every childhood disease, disorder & syndrome and probably has a friend whose second cousin's step-brother who has it. KnowItAllMom will undoubtedly have a statistic to show you just how likely your child is to attend an ivy league university, based on their skill at crossing the monkey bars at age 4years2months1day and 12.6hours old. KnowItAllMoms are great to bring along to trivia nights, but will make you feel about the size of a nano-particle for having the latest copy of US Weekly on your "Best Reads" list. I recommend short, occasional play dates with KnowItAllMom's kids, if only because she will give you a scientific backboard on which to justify all of the parenting tricks that you feel a little guilty about.


5. OverachieverMom: Without these ladies, Etsy wouldn't exist and I would be very sad. They can whip up a gourmet meal, that is appealing to the pickiest 3 year old and wrap it up in adorable, hand-decorated boxes. They send homemade birthday and thank you cards in a timely manner. Their kids are always well-behaved, they never yell or sweat and you might question whether Ann Geddes herself shot her family's photos. She has Martha flippin' Stewart as a follower on her blog. If you meet an OverachieverMom & she doesn't exhibit any of the traits of SuperiorMom, grab onto her and never let her go. Don't even bother trying to compete, just bask in the glory of her perfection...and ask her to help with your kid's birthday parties.

The Dad list.

In honor of my hilarious & oh-so-handsome husband, tonight's post is a list of reasons I am thankful for Dads, especially the Yankee.


1. The terrifying thrilling and adventurous stunts he performs with the kids that make me want to cry, but make the kids squeal with delight. Tossing your kid several feet above his head over hard surfaces? Check. Launching your kid across the room onto a haphazard stack of pillows? Check. Teaching the child how to ricochet those tiny bouncy balls (aka choking hazards) down my hallway leaving colored streaks on the walls? Check. Creating makeshift sleds, slides and high objects with which to break a leg leap off of? Check. As much as I worry (that's what the wine is for), complain and grimace, my husband makes my kids lives' significantly more exciting, though I still claim griping rights when one of said stunts results in an ER visit and a tense conversation with DFCS.


2. Somebody has to teach the kids that flatulence is funny, as that is clearly the benchmark of all childhood and male humor to follow. Clearly a job that the Yankee has been training his whole life for.


3. Who else would be ridiculously proud of all things within his son's diaper/underwear, including but not limited to the ultrasound crotch shot of his baby boy, the size of a newborns *ahem* balls *ahem*, unreasonably large bowel movements and the first time your son loudly and proudly identifies his pe.n.is in public.


4. Following #3, who else would be unreasonably protective of his daughter's modesty from her time in utero and beyond. Example: At ~20weeks large, we go in for ultrasound to determine the baby's gender. The tech confirms that we are having a girl and the Yankee asks how sure she is. The tech says "Definitely a girl, 3 lines clear as day". The Yankee leans in and asks what she means by "3 lines". I suppress my laughter (come on, we've made 2 babies & had plenty of practice, you think he'd understand the general anatomy of that region by now) and explain what she means. The Yankee gets a look of horror on his face and chokes out "You mean, they are looking at her......privates?" Yes, he really asked that. This is the man that showed his son's ultrasound "money shot" to anyone he within 5 feet for a 3 week period, but clearly a daughter is a different ball game. I told him no, that the ultrasound tech was just looking for the pink bow on her head. Sometimes it's just better to play along.


5. He's a much better cook than I am. Or he's just better at motivating himself to cook. Regardless, I'm thankful. Eat your heart out ladies, he's all mine.


6. The Yankee can jiggle, cajole & otherwise trick a cranky kid into going the heck to sleep without any help from me. Mommy still reigns supreme for calming meltdowns, boo-boos and bad days, but Daddy rules in the bedtime department. Especially thankful as this gives me time for all the important things like having a glass of mommy juice, reading up on my gossip and writing snarky things for all 8 of you to read.


7. Who else would know how to bring me back to reality when I start sporting crazy mommy eyes about some irrational fear that I conjured up after too much reading online and actually care enough to take the time to do it? Yea, nobody but the Yankee, because, my crazy eyes are a scary sight.


8. The snarky, judgy traits he has picked up from yours truly and the hilarious one-liners he delivers. Also, his ability to quote what I consider to be extremely important pop culture references like HIMYM, The Princess Bride and Family Guy.


9. His unfailing support of me, my choices, & my causes. Can I tell you how I beamed the first time the Yankee said "I'm so glad you are the mother of my son and are so dedicated to doing what is best for him (in reference to breastfeeding)." His support for my ever evolving parenting style has given me the freedom to parent with confidence that I'm not irreparably screwing up our kids.


10. That he has his priorities straight. That loving & providing for his family has & continues to be his primary focus. That he is willing to take the time to wrestle, snuggle, tickle and sit down with his kids, even when he is exhausted from dealing with work, all his other responsibilities and his nutty wife.


Happy Father's Day, YankeeDaddy. We love you!