I know the hassles and potential land mines of trying to make friends as a Mom and hopefully you do too. Just in case you don't, here is an [incomplete] study guide of some of the wild and beautiful MommyCreatures you might encounter on the playground. Approach with caution.
1. ZealotMom: You remember when you were just barely pregnant enough to justify maternity jeans or had just had a little too much fun at The Golden Corral only to be accosted by a stranger who had all sorts of unsolicited advice about how you just HAD to breastfeed/get an epidural/buy a specific piece of baby gear/drink castor oil to go into labor/pray to the patron saint of babies not being born with gigantic ears/etc? Yep, that was your very first encounter with ZealotMom and sadly, would not be your last. ZealotMoms mean well, but they, like that poor dorky girl in high school, just do not know when to stop speaking. You have a few possible approaches here, tell ZealotMom you agree completely and hope she leaves (rarely works), feign labor pains and waddle to the closest exit or, my personal fave, tell ZealotMom that you will consider her advice, but could she please come to the overpass you call home to discuss it in more detail. Yep, that should do it.
2. SuperiorMom: One of my all-time least favorite personalities to be forced into social situations with. I am acquainted with a b*tch that the Yankee makes me be nice to mom who takes the whole self righteous cake on this one. She is the mom of twins and insists on calling herself a MoM (Mom of multiples) every single frick time she writes mom, which is a LOT. I have, as of yet, held off on telling her what I think of her & her overachieving ovaries, but hearing her say "I laugh at your one baby" nearly landed me in jail for aggravated battery. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that this was a competition, but now that I know, I guess that OctoMom & DuggarMom are in the lead. Which begs the question, do you REALLY want to win a competition where those two are the front runners? Knock yourself out, I'll be on the couch laughing it up with my singletons.
3. NeedyMom: One supportive comment on her pity party post and she pulls you into her web. NeedyMoms always have an issue, question or dire need for your help, usually with no concept of time, normalcy or social boundaries. You will be fielding texts, calls, facebook messages & emails as if they are flying out of a baseball pitching machine. Ignore even one of those and you will be gifted with the full-fledged "why don't you want to be my friend anymore" hysterical voicemail. A good warning sign of a NeedyMom is someone willing to over-share to complete strangers, and not in an anonymous, you'll never know my real name way. Befriend NeedyMoms if you feel too cruel to just back away slowly, but whatever you do, keep all play dates at a neutral location. You can thank me later.
4. KnowItAllMom: Similar to SuperiorMom, but with less judgement and more quoting obscure medical journals. This mom has read a case study in every childhood disease, disorder & syndrome and probably has a friend whose second cousin's step-brother who has it. KnowItAllMom will undoubtedly have a statistic to show you just how likely your child is to attend an ivy league university, based on their skill at crossing the monkey bars at age 4years2months1day and 12.6hours old. KnowItAllMoms are great to bring along to trivia nights, but will make you feel about the size of a nano-particle for having the latest copy of US Weekly on your "Best Reads" list. I recommend short, occasional play dates with KnowItAllMom's kids, if only because she will give you a scientific backboard on which to justify all of the parenting tricks that you feel a little guilty about.
5. OverachieverMom: Without these ladies, Etsy wouldn't exist and I would be very sad. They can whip up a gourmet meal, that is appealing to the pickiest 3 year old and wrap it up in adorable, hand-decorated boxes. They send homemade birthday and thank you cards in a timely manner. Their kids are always well-behaved, they never yell or sweat and you might question whether Ann Geddes herself shot her family's photos. She has Martha flippin' Stewart as a follower on her blog. If you meet an OverachieverMom & she doesn't exhibit any of the traits of SuperiorMom, grab onto her and never let her go. Don't even bother trying to compete, just bask in the glory of her perfection...and ask her to help with your kid's birthday parties.
In honor of my hilarious & oh-so-handsome husband, tonight's post is a list of reasons I am thankful for Dads, especially the Yankee.
1. The terrifying thrilling and adventurous stunts he performs with the kids that make me want to cry, but make the kids squeal with delight. Tossing your kid several feet above his head over hard surfaces? Check. Launching your kid across the room onto a haphazard stack of pillows? Check. Teaching the child how to ricochet those tiny bouncy balls (aka choking hazards) down my hallway leaving colored streaks on the walls? Check. Creating makeshift sleds, slides and high objects with which to break a leg leap off of? Check. As much as I worry (that's what the wine is for), complain and grimace, my husband makes my kids lives' significantly more exciting, though I still claim griping rights when one of said stunts results in an ER visit and a tense conversation with DFCS.
2. Somebody has to teach the kids that flatulence is funny, as that is clearly the benchmark of all childhood and male humor to follow. Clearly a job that the Yankee has been training his whole life for.
3. Who else would be ridiculously proud of all things within his son's diaper/underwear, including but not limited to the ultrasound crotch shot of his baby boy, the size of a newborns *ahem* balls *ahem*, unreasonably large bowel movements and the first time your son loudly and proudly identifies his pe.n.is in public.
4. Following #3, who else would be unreasonably protective of his daughter's modesty from her time in utero and beyond. Example: At ~20weeks large, we go in for ultrasound to determine the baby's gender. The tech confirms that we are having a girl and the Yankee asks how sure she is. The tech says "Definitely a girl, 3 lines clear as day". The Yankee leans in and asks what she means by "3 lines". I suppress my laughter (come on, we've made 2 babies & had plenty of practice, you think he'd understand the general anatomy of that region by now) and explain what she means. The Yankee gets a look of horror on his face and chokes out "You mean, they are looking at her......privates?" Yes, he really asked that. This is the man that showed his son's ultrasound "money shot" to anyone he within 5 feet for a 3 week period, but clearly a daughter is a different ball game. I told him no, that the ultrasound tech was just looking for the pink bow on her head. Sometimes it's just better to play along.
5. He's a much better cook than I am. Or he's just better at motivating himself to cook. Regardless, I'm thankful. Eat your heart out ladies, he's all mine.
6. The Yankee can jiggle, cajole & otherwise trick a cranky kid into going the heck to sleep without any help from me. Mommy still reigns supreme for calming meltdowns, boo-boos and bad days, but Daddy rules in the bedtime department. Especially thankful as this gives me time for all the important things like having a glass of mommy juice, reading up on my gossip and writing snarky things for all 8 of you to read.
7. Who else would know how to bring me back to reality when I start sporting crazy mommy eyes about some irrational fear that I conjured up after too much reading online and actually care enough to take the time to do it? Yea, nobody but the Yankee, because, my crazy eyes are a scary sight.
8. The snarky, judgy traits he has picked up from yours truly and the hilarious one-liners he delivers. Also, his ability to quote what I consider to be extremely important pop culture references like HIMYM, The Princess Bride and Family Guy.
9. His unfailing support of me, my choices, & my causes. Can I tell you how I beamed the first time the Yankee said "I'm so glad you are the mother of my son and are so dedicated to doing what is best for him (in reference to breastfeeding)." His support for my ever evolving parenting style has given me the freedom to parent with confidence that I'm not irreparably screwing up our kids.
10. That he has his priorities straight. That loving & providing for his family has & continues to be his primary focus. That he is willing to take the time to wrestle, snuggle, tickle and sit down with his kids, even when he is exhausted from dealing with work, all his other responsibilities and his nutty wife.
Happy Father's Day, YankeeDaddy. We love you!
So, I'm a twitter-er and like any good twitter-er should, I love hashtags. I love them so much, I have perfected the art of hashtagging. Yes, perfected. I'm claiming it. Don't believe me? Go ahead & challenge me to a hashtag off. You WILL be sorry. But, uh, thanks for reading my blog.
I'll admit my hashtagging skills were a bit rough at the start of my twitter phase. (A lot like this blog currently is, come to think of it.) But with time and a lot of studying, I found the perfect balance of snark and emphasis to give me the hashtagging edge. I'm even known to triple or quadruple hashtag without cheating with "twitlonger" or some such crap. All I'm saying is, if hashtagging was an Olympic sport, I'd be suiting up to kick some 13 16 year old Chinese butt. It is that serious, but enough about how awesome I am.
After I perfected hashtagging, I started developing some hashtagging withdrawal symptoms in my non-twitter world. I tried throwing the hashtag down on some witty Facebook statuses, but explaining to my 3rd grade VBS teacher's half-sister why it says "#NeedABlowtorch" at the end of my status was a buzz kill. Then I had a moment of brilliance that was so dazzling, I amazed even myself: Hashtags IN REAL LIFE!
So, you don't think my idea is brilliant or even particularly inspired, right? Well, you're wrong and I'll explain why. HashtagsIRL are the perfect way to get all that hilarious snark out of your head & out into the world for others to enjoy, without all the hassles & drama caused by just outright saying what you think. (For the record, we usually call that being b*tchy.)
Still not convinced? Here's an example: You get a late evening phone call from the obnoxiously perky & adderall jazzed room mom in your child's class, asking you to please send him to school with 8 dozen organic, gluten-free cupcakes tomorrow. You choke back the "WHAT?!?" climbing your throat, and calmly reply "Of course, the cupcakes will be ready for tomorrow!" And here is when the HashtagsIRL come in, you add "#OrganicMyRear #WalMartToTheRescue". You are satisfied, have avoided spending all night making cupcakes that taste like cardboard and you got to tell PerkyMom just how much you care about her approval. As an added bonus (and to avoid having to find your child a new school), because it was only the hashtag that was rude/snarky/insensitive, she can't even be mad at you. WIN!
OK, maybe that last part is a stretch, but I still think HashtagsIRL is a brilliant idea. I plan on bringing it to the global level, so be an early adaptor and set the trend!
(If this post/idea sounds vaguely familiar, it is probably because I discussed the idea briefly when the amazingly talented Purse Blogger interviewed me for her "Favorite Lady of the Week". She is an awesome writer and a great bloggy friend!)
Moms judge. It's what we do. We try to sound PC by saying things like "Oh, whatever works for you and your child" or "That's an interesting approach", while we are thinking something along the lines of "What the (insert 4 letter word of your choosing) is wrong with her?! I am CLEARLY a better Mom." I see you on the other side of the screen shaking your head and saying that you never do that. I'm going to go ahead and call BULLSH*T on you.
Now, I'm not saying we do this to every Mom we meet, but I am saying that every Mom has done it. At least once. Even you, SunshineMommy. I'm on a well known & popular local moms forum and when we get together there is almost always one extremely amusing and catty convo about "CrazyMom" and/or "NeedyMom". These are the conversations we have on the playground while watching our kiddos run off their sugar organic fruit snack buzz. You should hear the dialogue on a MNO with a few glasses of mommy juice in us. Actually, you shouldn't hear those conversations, but you get the idea.
Of course, the flip side of all that judging is the amazing AH-HA! moment when you realize that you aren't the only parent scarring entertaining your kids by flicking goldfish crackers for them to fetch. Purely an example, as I, of course, would never do that again. I bonded with one my now closest mommy friends by saying "Let's blow this popsicle stand and grab a beer". The lady laughing at inappropriate jokes about abandoning children to get a drink, THAT is my kind of friend.
Gossip is the reality anytime you get a few ladies together, shit happens. If you are lucky, you'll make your snarky remarks to the right ladies & the result is awesome friends and a level of hilarity that belongs on an HBO show. If you aren't that lucky, well, you might want to find a new moms group ASAP. Either way, moms need to stop pretending that being judgy is the cardinal sin of the cardigan crew. Being judgy unites us all (even if we don't admit it) and gives us that feeling of superiority and extra swagger we need to keep patrolling the playground.
I'm a twitter-er (@anonyMOMous). I wanted to set the record straight on that before anybody got any lofty expectations and then makes me feel all guilty-like when I let you down. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton of snarky, irreverent and hilarious things to say, but until I can plug my phone into my brain and let it auto-fill this bad boy, a lot of my best goodies might be reserved for twitter, the Yankee or whoever else is close enough to hear my ramblings. So, here are a few of my fave twitter jems. If you don't like 'em, well go to hell, punk don't follow me. If you do love them & can't help but fall rapturously in love with my witty self, feel free to send me boatloads of small, unmarked bills or just follow me. I recommend the prior, but hey, it's your call.
Yes, I think my kids are geniuses, but I also thought unitards were a brilliant idea, so I'm gonna hold off on calling MENSA just yet.
Like I told my husband #sleepisthenewsex and I'm #alwaysinthemood. Spread the word.
It bears repeating: It is fawking cold. If you're looking for the glass cutter, it's inside my bra. That is all I have to say about that.
Pretty sure someone swapped my anti-anxiety meds for a caffeine pill. I'm effing wired & quite nervous about god-knows-what. #brilliantprank
Attention, people: Words have MEANINGS!
Decimated does NOT mean the same thing as abolished.
You, with the blank stare, get a dictionary!
Got a airbrush tan today. The girl who sprayed me was 21. If spraying my post-baby body isn't birth control for her, I don't know what is.
Going out with (read: drinking with) friends tonight. Determined not to be the old lady, so how do I prepare? By taking a nap. #iamsolame
My new glasses are giving me a headache. No wait, my stupid employees who I am looking at through the new glasses are giving me a headache.
What are your all time fave tweets? What is your fave hashtag? Who do you simply adore on twitter?
