The one about sleep.

I've mentioned that I miss sleep. Not just any sleep, that deep, restful, naked sleep of my pre-child days when I could sleep past 8:30am and wake up, blissfully, on my own. I made you weep just thinking about it, didn't I? (Note: If you are one of those on-par-with-lottery-winners LuckyMoms whose children have slept through the night since they were two weeks old and never climb into your bed to harass your last thread of sanity at 3am, do me a favor & just keep that sh*t to yourself.)


Like I was saying, most every mom I have ever met would do just about anything, legal or otherwise, to have a that sort of sleep again. I, personally, don't think it is possible, even with child-less vacations and the butterfly-wing pills I keep seeing commercials for. The best sleep I get is on my annual Mommy's Drunk Night Out and as the name implies, that alcohol & exhaustion fueled sleep is clearly negated by the raging death wish hangover I am greeted with five minutes before the hotel's checkout time. See, now I'm rambling. This is what three years of parenting has done to me people. Bad things.


Now that we have firmly established what a sleep-deprived wreck I am (as if there was any doubt), let's discuss what three years of parenting has not done. The answer is, affected my husband's sleep schedule one frackin bit. Sure, the Yankee claims to be tired, but I hear his snores taunt me as I tend to squirmy children at 3am. I know better. The Yankee sleeps like he has overdosed on Nyquil every frick night. If sleeping becomes an Olympic level event, he'll be set, but until then this is what I deal with...


(Background Info: When Monkey came home as a newborn he was a tiny, hungry little dude, but my body hadn't yet gotten the memo that it was now an all hours diner, so a bit of work had to be done to get the *ahem* restaurant up & flowing. The protocol that I was told I MUST follow, was nurse him for 15-20 min, then pump, rinse & repeat two hours from when we began nursing. Sounds like a party, right?)


So, night one at home, Monkey has been topped off and the we all settle in to bed at 10pm. 11:30 comes & GrandMom (my Mom, not MIL, clearly) nudges me awake to feed Monkey. 25 minutes later I hand him off to GrandMom to burp and settle, while I groggily torture myself pump. We all head back to bed at around 12:15am. Repeat 4 times. 7:20am rolls around and I'm up readying myself for the next order. The Yankee wakes up, looks over at the sleeping Monkey and utters the dumbest statement I have ever heard: "(Gasp) Oh my gawd!! He slept through the night!!" Insert the most evil mom look ever conjured up and me hissing "No, asshole, YOU DID!"


The Yankee thought our newborn son had slept from 10pm until 7:20am without waking, at three days old. He had the foolish luxury because he slept through every frickin feeding! Don't you just feel bad for poor, sleep-deprived Yankee? Fast forward 10 months to Monkey still not sleeping through the night. Surely, the Yankee has been getting up occasionally to give Monkey a bottle of the good stuff stored in the freezer, right? Nope. Never. Not even once.


The Yankee does not even understand the meaning of exhausted and that is why I give him the stink eye each and every time he whines "I'm tired." Now, I'm off to bed. The over/under is 20 minutes before the first "Mommy?". Place your bets, people.